For the most of the past month I have been grappling with the definition and full understanding of Integrity and what it would and should mean to me. According to the Webster’s dictionary Integrity means; the quality of being honest and fair, the state of being complete or whole, firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values, an unimpaired condition, the quality or state of being complete or undivided.
That being said I seem to be struggling with the idea of integrity which is something I having been working on through a seminar series I am attending for 10 weeks. We are working on keeping our word and building integrity in our lives. It is the code of which we should all live by. The struggle I seem to be having is holding me to my own word. I can keep my word with everyone professional or family. I can be on time to appointments and follow through with conference calls etc. The person I seem to disrespect and make excuses for not maintaining my word or integrity is with me.
I feel I make expectations and goals that are beyond unreasonable knowing I will not follow through it. I create a consequence but I do not enforce said consequence on myself when I do in fact fail to keep my own word. This is where I struggle day in and day out. How do I keep my word and integrity with everyone else but I continue to fail the most important person in my life, me? Keeping ones word to their family and those around us is very important especially if you are a working professional. You have to keep your word that you will be on time to work if you want to keep your job. There are tangible consequences if you do not maintain your word in these scenarios. Why do we make excuses and reasons for disrespecting ourselves? Why is our word mean so little to ourselves?
I struggle with my own in-authenticity as to why I fail to keep my own word to myself. What do I get out of not keeping my word? I can tell myself it doesn’t matter over and over again but that is not true. I get really upset and frustrated with myself. When I do I can take out on those around me at times, especially my kids. When I am impatient and I get angry easily, most of the time I am angry at myself and snapping at them is my way of avoiding the mirror. Who really wants to look at the mirror and see their ugly side; the green monster in the mirror staring back at you? Of course the monster wouldn’t be there or exist if you kept your word and didn’t resent yourself for it.
I have this filter where I get it on an intellectual level but I have to really “get it” on the emotional level. I have to really face the mirror and talk to my monster. I have to find out why I am not the most important person in my life. I am a good person, I take care of my family and children but I need to take care of me. I have to keep my word to myself to really earn my integrity.